I had to make myself sit down and write because I have felt so much like that one line in that one song in the Sound of Music, "How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?"
I don't feel unusually happy, energetic, bouncy...but I do feel something that it took me a week to name.
Contentment. And I had mistaken contentment for numbness.
I sat on my bed in a peaceful darkness last night and decided to pray. I wasn't sure what I was going to pray about but I wanted to talk to my Father. But as soon as I said his Name, I realized that it was not numbness that I felt. I have just become so accustomed to feeling anxiety and frustration and confusion in the past months that I forgot what contentment feels like. I don't know why I felt so surprised at the thought, either. Just a week ago, I wrote down an extensive list of worries, frustrations, burdens and asked God to take away the pressure of dealing with all of it.
Yet again, God proves Himself to me. "I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands."
Isaiah 49:15-16
I felt a silly sort of relief at the realization that God listened to my prayer and reacted. And now I am telling myself, "Well, Micaela, you decided to believe in something crazy and improbable and unprovable. If you believe God is who He says He is, have the guts to believe what He says." (I picture myself doing this with the face and voice of my dad when he is telling me something he knows I already know but don't want to admit...and I get that really impish "I know, I know" look on my face).
So, I can laugh at myself because I am a silly spiritual idiot sometimes, like when the most basic form of communication between myself and God actually working leaves me dumbstruck. The important thing is that it is a further proof that my Father listens to me, that He is.
Yours,
Micaela